How much does Chunk weigh anyway?

Made it to a scale.

Forktruck was able to get me over my balcony and truck me down to the local stock yard to use their super scale.

It is not that bad, as of yet, but I will admit when I turn just right, the boxer briefs do tighten up as if thats the case. Hmmm… I flatter myself. Fine, I admit, its the waistband only!

Whatever.

Anyway – the weigh in ….. drumroll (or is that just my heart banging away in my chest?)

279 Pounds.

There was actually a .5 in there but dammit I like round numbers. Besides, shoes, hair, and ummm, dental plaque have to at least add up to the other half pound I recon.

Onward sails the SS Chunky into hopefully, umm, more shallow waters? Yea, well you try and work out the damn sailing analogy. OR is that a metaphor? No, analogy works.

-Zen

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Published in: on March 29, 2010 at 9:51 am  Leave a Comment  

De-Chunk – Step 1

Add a hyphen and spell check just loves you. De-Chunk.

It actually sounds like the official title when Southwest Airlines asks a “Larger” individual to deplane.

“Attention Passengers, but we will be experiencing a slight delay, the plane is being De-Chunked for the safety and comfort of all passengers.”

If for the briefest of moments you think I find that process acceptable, you are missing the whole point of my personal De-Chunking process.

So, with an imitation drum roll –

Step One (01) in my quest to De-Chunk.

 “NO MORE FAST FOOD”

 Why you ask? How is that really any kind of step or plan? Well kids its like this, I REALLY like fast food. Who wouldn’t? Its Salted Fat fried in Lard and Dipped in Cheese. Its Nirvana for less than Six Bucks, and it takes less than Four minutes to have it in your hand.

So, knowing I am lazy, I am choosing to NOT do something first. Instead of, “I will walk two miles a day” and never removing my potato chip stained arse off the couch.

So – there is step one. This is day one. And – there you have it. All the news that’s fit to report.

Published in: on March 25, 2010 at 1:36 pm  Leave a Comment  

Chunky Monkey – An ice cream named for me.

I am lazy. Really, I am. It took me ten minutes to use a toe to hook an Oreo that slipped to the carpet. Damn cat almost made it there before me! Ha!

So, to the point I am lazy.

I find, quite frankly, that being lazy requires considerably less work than say, being active or productive or any of that other crap you ginseng drinking, oat bran eating, track jogging people do.

I would once luxuriate on my soft little sofa and watch you bobble by with your clothes all sweaty and your face all strained thinking, damn that looks like work. Then have another sip of milk shake. Hey, its all natural, mostly.

The problem rises when I realized I began to sweat as I refilled my tumbler of gravy and mashed potatoes.

I would find myself a little winded when the remote slid out of my reach, to land somewhere near my feet.

I stopped wearing pants. (Less for chunky reasons, more for plain comfort)

I need to make a change. 

I am WAY too lazy to make any kind of drastic change. I could craft some grandiose plan that reads like an invasion of Normandy with the Chunk Battalion taking the beach in multitudes of push ups and laps.

Yea, I am not going to do that.

 What I AM going to do, is actually keep an honest record of my “process” which will be many weeks of absolutely nothing changing. 

So, bury your expectations, I am not exactly the motivational type. I am just a real person, with a real issue that plans to take real steps (well, yea, TRY) to resolve or at least LIMIT the issue.

SO – Step one will be taken shortly.

You are still here? Go take a walk – least to the kitchen to grab some sort of refreshment. I recommend fresh fruit. (Chunky code for grab a doughnut if there are any left)

Published in: on March 25, 2010 at 1:24 pm  Leave a Comment