Where I Am

When we pause, stop and take a glance around in our everyday life, are we ever truly satisfied with where we are? I hold to the idea that there must be folks that are content with their post in life, however that same emotional solace is elusive to me. Mind, I am not unhappy with where I sit, on the contrary, there are elements of my everyday that I deeply appreciate and love. People in my bubble of relationships, happenings that I can only look on and see I was a fortunate benefactor. These lead to moments of contentment. Moments of quiet reflection when I appreciate that my path has been interesting and my journey not unexceptional. Are these small moments a glimpse at the truth or are they simply a moment when the mind idles down and the subconscience does not force its dominating will on the conscience? 

I would harness these moments, but for fear of a substantial loss to my person. The persistent, albeit wearing, sensation of dissatisfaction is a fuel. It drives the machine that is determination. It creates an impossible hoop that my little emotional dolphin cannot jump through, no matter what fish is dangled on the other side. It forces me to swim faster and deeper. It pushes me, even when I arguably spend as much emotional energy pushing back in resistence. 

Is this internal struggle and conflict the true picture of the human condition? Or again, is it simply flattering to my emotional IQ to feel I have the most rudimentary charcoal like sketch of understanding? 

I will continue to puzzle. I will keep playing with the pieces, turning the damned things over until I figure where they fit, or jam them into place. Who knows, maybe the picture created by the jamming them unwillingly into a new location will be far more interesting that the one originally intended. 

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Published in: on June 19, 2010 at 1:53 am  Leave a Comment  

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